The final post.

This is Steven Hunt aka Jynex Sol.
If you are reading this post, then I regret to inform you I will no longer be on social media. I know you’ve heard me say it before but I need to take this seriously now and just go away. Reason being for this post is because I’ve been going through something for the past 3 months and it’s been affecting me greatly . At work at home and I just couldn’t not deal with it any more. So I made decision to write this out to you out there on both Facebook and Instagram.  This will be the last post I will write. I’m not kidding . This not a joke. This is me wanting attention because I take my health seriously .
My mental health has not been great.
Too many memories and too many triggers.  This is so I am no longer toxic to those who consider me toxic.  I didn’t wake each day and decided to be toxic or have toxic traits or behaviors.  Stubbornness is there but I do believe in justice and the way I am currently viewed is bullshit. However I do see the tendencies.  My life is my own priority and I have to do what I needs to be done. I’m grateful to have met people and some of those people have seen the good in me. I really do appreciate that. Also change comes with time but to me sometimes change is like a foreign language . I have to practice In order to get better.  It’s not going to come automatically . To see me as a good man overall, I will admit to the fact most of my life has been a struggle.
I haven’t been home in twelve years.
10 years and seven different relationship happen and finished. The fault was mine. I  couldn’t see past what I didn’t know . I only know because I lost.  Just like when I take a test and fail. I only begin to understand afterwards. Hopefully after reading this. You can understand somewhat on why I chose to go away.
Your words and concerns were helpful. Others well.... get over it.... you know like I wish I could but you can’t see past the negative. It’s true I do write a lot of sad things. Well, because I’m sad. I’m not trying to bring anyone else down . That be the same as trying to infect someone intentionally. I could not and would not do that to any you. If I’m toxic to you then that toxicity has a source. If I can identify the source, then I can solve the problem.
How could you know what’s going on
now if  you aren’t physically here or even trying to comprehend me past your own understanding. Being in my shoes is hard but how would you know. I post these things because I want people to know what kind of man I really am.

Damn... it really does suck to be in this room alone. It doesn’t even feel like home.
Now I have to go away. To everyone reading this have a good day . For I have nothing else to say. Other than I’m sorry to you friends, sorry because this is the end. Sorry to those I’ve hurt. Right now I’m hurting even worse. Sry to my family .

I wanted you to be proud of me. I need to leave this all behind. So this end of the post. I leave this here.... I’m not going to kill myself for those  who think that. Okay😔

The end of the road.

I don’t care anymore really I don’t.

I’m not going to hold back anymore. Nope,I won’t.
For all these poems I’ve written and nothing seems to help.
Doesn’t really seem there is much left.
my sanity.
It’s why I can’t sleep or eat.
It’s why I can’t see... my own worth.
Feeling as if  I’m nothing more than dirt.

You can say to me stop with pity party.
Leaving me alone to do the wallowing.
Seeing these waves that could swallow me.
Must have me confused who cares about living.
Yes I know it’s hard.
I’ve come so far.
Now I see is the end of the road.
No more detours and nowhere else to go.

Don’t say things like that says another voice.
Do I have a choice ?
To see my family. To see those few remaining friends.
At the end.
They have been there for me.
I need y’all to understand that this is so damn tiring.

You want me to live and endure this.
You want me see me as this incredible person.
The story isn’t written that way.
These days.
I see no more path.
I see anxiety and more attacks
You may not understand why.
I’m a broken guy.
Everyone else has their priorities.
I don’t. I don’t really have anything.

You have a life and It’s only have one.
One life to live and then it’s done.
Getting out what I need to say and then fuck off.
Peace ✌🏾

Thoughts about this GF incident

I should be sleeping but yet I’m writing.
Another sleepless night , so exciting .
I guess I should stay inside because it’s not like I will go outside.
Don’t get me wrong , I’m grateful to be alive.
Not grateful for days when I’m dying on the inside.
Was off the whole week and didn’t accomplish shit.
People out protesting because other people are being racist.
It affects me as a black man , but we can only do so much.
System is corrupt.
Niggas don’t give a fuck.
Out here Rioting and looting.
Police cars all around just looming.
Making arrests,
seeing knees to the neck and chest .
It’s all too much and it about to be June.
We really have to get it together or will be all doomed very soon.

Can I Overcome this?

No matter where I go or what I do.
There is something to remind me of you.
That special time that we spent together.
Now it’s in the hands of another.
 I know I have to get through this but this is hard the second time .
Second time I had to let go so many things.
So many memories.
Getting ice cream or  Being at the park.
Walking down the street till it gets dark.
I can go on all day and get pretty far.
By then my heart would give out and I would fall apart.

I know you read this and think to yourself.
Knowing what was going to happen when i had no one left.
Self destruction and you thought I could handle this?
I’m sorry but let’s me be real about this shit.

I’m in my room.
In the corner just dwelling on blues.
About you.
About the things that we used to do.
Then remember that was all in the past .
Realizing that we didn’t last.
You may still care about me but now can’t really do anything about it.
It sucks.
What the fuck.
I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I tried on my end.
Yea we had different goals and you wanted me to succeed.
I wanted that too but I also wanted to improve mentally.
Consistently.
So I don’t be like these people all round me.
Be here with some originality.
These poems are about you but not to call you out or anything .
Just shows what I can bring.
Bring this all the table so you can see for yourself.
My words are my wealth.
Wealth of all these things that I still feel.
Sometimes I wonder, was all of that even real?
Despite the fact ,people say this and that .
I was still fuckin there and that was fact.
Even when I was mad
All that matter to me was if you were glad.
Glad to be around me.
Glad to be only into me.
I feel if we just handled our business it could have gone differently.
Now you just exist in my dreams.

Another another Friday

Friday nights.
What time to feel alive.
Not in 2020 and not for me.
Just in my room with the light shade of green.
Quarantine.
Yay ,what would I do with out you?
Writing another poem? Yeah that’s what I’ll do .
After all do see any women taking an interest in this guy?
I’m not talking down to myself. I just would like to know why.
Why do you say i am good man?
Why do you say that I understand?
That I listen and care when no one else does.
If that’s the case ,then why can’t keep the people I love?
I look high above
Above everything else, looking for the answer.
Maybe it’s because I made the same mistake.
Thinking I would be left in last place.
I’ve always hated that feeling.
It’s so demeaning.
Alas here I am talking about my sorrows.
Today is done and now it’s tomorrow.
Even if days ,months, or years pass by.
It would be the same tears that I would cry.
More times than others.
Just wish I could fall into the arms of another.
Instead of being in this hole.
I know that’s is not my role.
It would make me feel whole.

I don’t get y'all at all.....

I don’t get any of you.
First we are okay then we’re not cool.
If I say something, then I could be wrong.
If I say nothing, people just continue on.
Y’all know who this is and why I am writing.
Writing is my way of fighting.
Verbally against the negativity that’s my emotions.
I swear I be better off in a galleon in the ocean.

The waves be hitting me pretty hard .
First comes being content then it’s like Arrgh.
Why can’t it just stay consistent?
You think I like being be pessimistic?
I don’t just wake up and wanna be with my head down.
Let me listen to those LP sounds
Feeling numb right now ,I need a place for my head.
It’s just easier to run straight to my bed.
Trying to break the habit of grabbing that can.
Can’t you understand?
What it means to this broken man.
How much longer can he stand?

Broken voice
Feel like I got no choice.
No one cares
No one is there
I’m just breaking down right now.
Just wanna fight my way out.

Leave out the negativity but mention the rest.
Gosh Fricken Darn it , I’m trying my best
At least I’m not dead but tomorrow is not promised
I’m looking for some form of calmness.

So I can be the best version of me .
The one  you don’t see.
The one you think is make believe.
The one who claims his destiny.
Peace✌🏾

Morning thoughts

Taking a break from talking about the Hunter.
Back to me now. I know oh brother.

Whenever I don’t think about it, it never goes away for long.
Maybe the method I’m doing is wrong.
I go to work and do my best.
I over do it and then go home to rest.

Those words”Get over it”, or “you just stay in the past”
You think I want this to last ?
No I do not. It’s not intentional.
Do you have to know me at all?

Yes for the past few weeks I’ve being doing a lot of writing.
My alternative to fighting.
The encouragement I get isn’t encouraging really.
Getting over it or anything isn’t ever easy.

I stay in the past at times because some good times are there.
It’s to remember what good I did do and where.
What I’ve gone through for the last two months was hard.
My mind wandered very far.
Far away from my body and descended into the burning abyss.
Where lies my fears, doubts, regrets  and other shit.

It’s calls to me to stay in that hole.
After all nobody would know.
Especially when people don’t really ask about you.
It’s not cool.
What can you do ?

It is what it is.
I know what it is that I did.
Sometimes I do wish instead.
That I wish I could get out of my head
Not think about my fuck-ups so much.
 some patience and faith. Not so much luck.
Maybe I turn into a better me.
Who knows what will tomorrow bring.