The final post.

This is Steven Hunt aka Jynex Sol.
If you are reading this post, then I regret to inform you I will no longer be on social media. I know you’ve heard me say it before but I need to take this seriously now and just go away. Reason being for this post is because I’ve been going through something for the past 3 months and it’s been affecting me greatly . At work at home and I just couldn’t not deal with it any more. So I made decision to write this out to you out there on both Facebook and Instagram.  This will be the last post I will write. I’m not kidding . This not a joke. This is me wanting attention because I take my health seriously .
My mental health has not been great.
Too many memories and too many triggers.  This is so I am no longer toxic to those who consider me toxic.  I didn’t wake each day and decided to be toxic or have toxic traits or behaviors.  Stubbornness is there but I do believe in justice and the way I am currently viewed is bullshit. However I do see the tendencies.  My life is my own priority and I have to do what I needs to be done. I’m grateful to have met people and some of those people have seen the good in me. I really do appreciate that. Also change comes with time but to me sometimes change is like a foreign language . I have to practice In order to get better.  It’s not going to come automatically . To see me as a good man overall, I will admit to the fact most of my life has been a struggle.
I haven’t been home in twelve years.
10 years and seven different relationship happen and finished. The fault was mine. I  couldn’t see past what I didn’t know . I only know because I lost.  Just like when I take a test and fail. I only begin to understand afterwards. Hopefully after reading this. You can understand somewhat on why I chose to go away.
Your words and concerns were helpful. Others well.... get over it.... you know like I wish I could but you can’t see past the negative. It’s true I do write a lot of sad things. Well, because I’m sad. I’m not trying to bring anyone else down . That be the same as trying to infect someone intentionally. I could not and would not do that to any you. If I’m toxic to you then that toxicity has a source. If I can identify the source, then I can solve the problem.
How could you know what’s going on
now if  you aren’t physically here or even trying to comprehend me past your own understanding. Being in my shoes is hard but how would you know. I post these things because I want people to know what kind of man I really am.

Damn... it really does suck to be in this room alone. It doesn’t even feel like home.
Now I have to go away. To everyone reading this have a good day . For I have nothing else to say. Other than I’m sorry to you friends, sorry because this is the end. Sorry to those I’ve hurt. Right now I’m hurting even worse. Sry to my family .

I wanted you to be proud of me. I need to leave this all behind. So this end of the post. I leave this here.... I’m not going to kill myself for those  who think that. Okay😔

The end of the road.

I don’t care anymore really I don’t.

I’m not going to hold back anymore. Nope,I won’t.
For all these poems I’ve written and nothing seems to help.
Doesn’t really seem there is much left.
my sanity.
It’s why I can’t sleep or eat.
It’s why I can’t see... my own worth.
Feeling as if  I’m nothing more than dirt.

You can say to me stop with pity party.
Leaving me alone to do the wallowing.
Seeing these waves that could swallow me.
Must have me confused who cares about living.
Yes I know it’s hard.
I’ve come so far.
Now I see is the end of the road.
No more detours and nowhere else to go.

Don’t say things like that says another voice.
Do I have a choice ?
To see my family. To see those few remaining friends.
At the end.
They have been there for me.
I need y’all to understand that this is so damn tiring.

You want me to live and endure this.
You want me see me as this incredible person.
The story isn’t written that way.
These days.
I see no more path.
I see anxiety and more attacks
You may not understand why.
I’m a broken guy.
Everyone else has their priorities.
I don’t. I don’t really have anything.

You have a life and It’s only have one.
One life to live and then it’s done.
Getting out what I need to say and then fuck off.
Peace ✌🏾

Thoughts about this GF incident

I should be sleeping but yet I’m writing.
Another sleepless night , so exciting .
I guess I should stay inside because it’s not like I will go outside.
Don’t get me wrong , I’m grateful to be alive.
Not grateful for days when I’m dying on the inside.
Was off the whole week and didn’t accomplish shit.
People out protesting because other people are being racist.
It affects me as a black man , but we can only do so much.
System is corrupt.
Niggas don’t give a fuck.
Out here Rioting and looting.
Police cars all around just looming.
Making arrests,
seeing knees to the neck and chest .
It’s all too much and it about to be June.
We really have to get it together or will be all doomed very soon.

Can I Overcome this?

No matter where I go or what I do.
There is something to remind me of you.
That special time that we spent together.
Now it’s in the hands of another.
 I know I have to get through this but this is hard the second time .
Second time I had to let go so many things.
So many memories.
Getting ice cream or  Being at the park.
Walking down the street till it gets dark.
I can go on all day and get pretty far.
By then my heart would give out and I would fall apart.

I know you read this and think to yourself.
Knowing what was going to happen when i had no one left.
Self destruction and you thought I could handle this?
I’m sorry but let’s me be real about this shit.

I’m in my room.
In the corner just dwelling on blues.
About you.
About the things that we used to do.
Then remember that was all in the past .
Realizing that we didn’t last.
You may still care about me but now can’t really do anything about it.
It sucks.
What the fuck.
I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I tried on my end.
Yea we had different goals and you wanted me to succeed.
I wanted that too but I also wanted to improve mentally.
Consistently.
So I don’t be like these people all round me.
Be here with some originality.
These poems are about you but not to call you out or anything .
Just shows what I can bring.
Bring this all the table so you can see for yourself.
My words are my wealth.
Wealth of all these things that I still feel.
Sometimes I wonder, was all of that even real?
Despite the fact ,people say this and that .
I was still fuckin there and that was fact.
Even when I was mad
All that matter to me was if you were glad.
Glad to be around me.
Glad to be only into me.
I feel if we just handled our business it could have gone differently.
Now you just exist in my dreams.

Another another Friday

Friday nights.
What time to feel alive.
Not in 2020 and not for me.
Just in my room with the light shade of green.
Quarantine.
Yay ,what would I do with out you?
Writing another poem? Yeah that’s what I’ll do .
After all do see any women taking an interest in this guy?
I’m not talking down to myself. I just would like to know why.
Why do you say i am good man?
Why do you say that I understand?
That I listen and care when no one else does.
If that’s the case ,then why can’t keep the people I love?
I look high above
Above everything else, looking for the answer.
Maybe it’s because I made the same mistake.
Thinking I would be left in last place.
I’ve always hated that feeling.
It’s so demeaning.
Alas here I am talking about my sorrows.
Today is done and now it’s tomorrow.
Even if days ,months, or years pass by.
It would be the same tears that I would cry.
More times than others.
Just wish I could fall into the arms of another.
Instead of being in this hole.
I know that’s is not my role.
It would make me feel whole.

I don’t get y'all at all.....

I don’t get any of you.
First we are okay then we’re not cool.
If I say something, then I could be wrong.
If I say nothing, people just continue on.
Y’all know who this is and why I am writing.
Writing is my way of fighting.
Verbally against the negativity that’s my emotions.
I swear I be better off in a galleon in the ocean.

The waves be hitting me pretty hard .
First comes being content then it’s like Arrgh.
Why can’t it just stay consistent?
You think I like being be pessimistic?
I don’t just wake up and wanna be with my head down.
Let me listen to those LP sounds
Feeling numb right now ,I need a place for my head.
It’s just easier to run straight to my bed.
Trying to break the habit of grabbing that can.
Can’t you understand?
What it means to this broken man.
How much longer can he stand?

Broken voice
Feel like I got no choice.
No one cares
No one is there
I’m just breaking down right now.
Just wanna fight my way out.

Leave out the negativity but mention the rest.
Gosh Fricken Darn it , I’m trying my best
At least I’m not dead but tomorrow is not promised
I’m looking for some form of calmness.

So I can be the best version of me .
The one  you don’t see.
The one you think is make believe.
The one who claims his destiny.
Peace✌🏾

Morning thoughts

Taking a break from talking about the Hunter.
Back to me now. I know oh brother.

Whenever I don’t think about it, it never goes away for long.
Maybe the method I’m doing is wrong.
I go to work and do my best.
I over do it and then go home to rest.

Those words”Get over it”, or “you just stay in the past”
You think I want this to last ?
No I do not. It’s not intentional.
Do you have to know me at all?

Yes for the past few weeks I’ve being doing a lot of writing.
My alternative to fighting.
The encouragement I get isn’t encouraging really.
Getting over it or anything isn’t ever easy.

I stay in the past at times because some good times are there.
It’s to remember what good I did do and where.
What I’ve gone through for the last two months was hard.
My mind wandered very far.
Far away from my body and descended into the burning abyss.
Where lies my fears, doubts, regrets  and other shit.

It’s calls to me to stay in that hole.
After all nobody would know.
Especially when people don’t really ask about you.
It’s not cool.
What can you do ?

It is what it is.
I know what it is that I did.
Sometimes I do wish instead.
That I wish I could get out of my head
Not think about my fuck-ups so much.
 some patience and faith. Not so much luck.
Maybe I turn into a better me.
Who knows what will tomorrow bring.

The Hunter :2 Checking out Brinstar

Taking this elevator down to Brinstar.
Boy does this elevator takes us down far.
Here I am in my shiny suit.
Compared to these rocks I look cool.
Oh look, what’s that over there ?
A shiny orb floating in mid air.

That ball doesn’t look so bad all .
Apparently it works with my suit.
Acquired morph ball.
Makes it easier to travel through cracks.
Oh snap.
These bats just swoop in and attack.

Hey hey , I have no problem with you.
Just passing through.
As I jump from place to place
I’m glad this isn’t a race .
I get to the top and I find a statue.
One of those wise people i once knew
He has something in his hand.
Another orb but it’s not the same.
It allows me to shoot a long beam that’s insane.

Why do I get the feel I’m suppose to be here.
Why do I feel those wise people are still near.
These statues seem to come alive when I show up.
It’s like they are saying from the great beyond, good luck .

As I continue to explore.
I begin to discover more.
I can lay small bombs and my beam is now cold.
I like this suit what else can it hold.
I hear a howl from beneath the ground.
Must investigate that horrendous sound.

Down I go further , flipping over mostly everything.
I come to bunch of stairs and at the top something shiny.
Whoa my arm cannon just resonated and out came a missile.
With these at my disposal, I won’t have any issue.

As soon as I get the missiles a door shows itself .
shoot my beam but nope. Have to try something else .
I shoot the missile and it makes sound.
I shoot four more and the thing finally comes around.
I see another elevator and I start to feel hot.
I’m curious to know what I find in that hot spot.

The Hunter :1

Step into those bounty hunter shoes.
Looking for the highest bounty in the news.
What’s this ?
Planet Zebes?
What could possibly be happening there.
there is a bounty so that’s fair.

I’ve been here a long time ago.
Saved by these wise people. The Chozo.
They brought me after my colony was wiped out.
Got to get it together, no time for doubt.

Time for a mission,maneuvering through asteroids.
Along with bounty notice, there is word highlighted in red: Metroid.
I’ve only heard very little about these creatures.
They come from SR388 and have energy absorption features.

 they have been taken on orders from Mother Brain.
What a name ?!
I’m pretty sure when we meet ,  there will be a lot of pain.

finally made it to Zebes. here on Crateria.
Which translates to the surface area.
Acid rain. Yay
This is going to be a fun day
At least I got this power suit.
Followed by this arm cannon and these shiny boots.

Look at that it’s only part 1.
Time to head to Brinstar ,let’s get this done.

✌🏾

Just would like to forget. Please

I would like to forget.
My mind is full of regret.
Dont know what happens next.
I would like to forget as i rest.

Rest from all the over thinking.
Rest from all the complaining.
Rest from thr constant spending.
Above all, retire from all this drinking.

Drinking one isn't so bad.
When I over do it, I do get really sad.
Just want to yell at something when im mad.
I’m alive at least, shouldn't that make me glad?

Let the past go and accept the change.
I accept the outcome and feel the disgrace all the same.
 Can't turn back time and do it all over again.
If I could, maybe I would be a different man.

I see people happy and feel I deserve that too.
I am a good person but it never comes through.
I dont what people say about you.
The things i have gone through have shown me a truth.

That maybe I deserve to be alone.
To be not welcomed home.
To not even have relationship and just be gone
Yes I know the poem sounds like a pity song.
Its all I know for right now.
Yes about the future i see a lot of my doubts.
Questioning everything and wanting to know how.
How can I find a way out?

Back to the basics

Will I ever be the same again?
This broken thing will need some time to mend.
The parts are all over the place.
Before we begin with anything else , let’s start with the face.
Ohh boy this face has been grumpy for a while.
When was the last time he actually smiled.
For those who expect him to be fine.
Yeah for them , maybe another time.
The damage is extensive.
Happiness is expensive.
At the 7-11 buying 3 cans
People telling him you shouldn’t drink so much man.
He stay quiet as leans his head back.
Alcohol goes down his throat just like that.
He knows it doesn’t work as he drinks more to forget.
He really could care less what happens next.
Is it death?
That’s what it is leading up to.
All those friends who have no clue on what to do.
They just stand still.
As the poison goes In for the kill.
This happens to people on the daily basis.
I guess I just end this here, time to go back to the basics.

Every night Since that night

There is something about this poem
That I am currently writing.
Not sure why but I better right it all down.

I’m sad honestly because I do miss someone.
Someone who is apparently having more fun.
Someone who is a lot happier than they were when they were with me.
Someone who had other plans you see.

Five years. Good and Bad.
When they found me I was sad.
When they took me to the garden , I felt glad.
When they looked at my eyes and held me, I was no longer mad.
Happiness , I didn’t know is what I actually had.

Now I spend my most of my time in my room.
When I come to work, no smiles just gloom.
No one comes around me because they feel they are doomed.
For once they look at me, it’s nothing but bad news.

Now other people say , stop feeling sry for yourself.
Learn how to be by myself.
Of course that’s the case in my room with no one else.
Nothing but a yellow stuffed dog on my shelf.

You should be grateful to be alive.
Yes I am , I don’t want to die.
If i say I’m okay, sometimes I do lie.
It make my existence easier sometimes.

Coming out the blue to say you care.
Always random just like air.
Where you before when I needed you there?
You damn right i feel upset enough to say that, yes it is fair .

You can’t just tell me something so I can’t respond back.
You want me to be truthful. Ok here’s a fact.
I loved you despite all the setbacks
All the anxiety attacks.
All of those this and that’s.
I felt like I gave a crap.

Oh  yes I did fuck up but i didn’t really move on.
I held on.
Yeah I was probably wrong .
Doesn’t really matter now because you’re gone.
Moved on.

Am I upset about you moving on?
No because at the end of the day you do what you want.
I envy that so bad.
Makes me so mad.
That’s why I’m writing.
Not really in the mood for fighting.

Wanna pick a fight?
Not really with it but it’s alright.
My heart is being beating slow all night.
It’s broken like a bulb. Out like a light.

I had to write this down.
I’m trying to not drown.
Spiraling all around.
In the abyss lies the soul but can it be found?

I don’t know.
I planted this seed so now it has to grow.
What will happen next I don’t know.
So many directions ,which way do I go.

To that someone who reads this and wants to know why I wrote this.
Because in the end , know I was really about it.
Even if I say and did very reckless and dumb shit.
I never stopped caring even if I took a lot of trauma hits.
I just had to write how I feel and I hope you  understand
After all , despite the nightmares , aches loneliness, and depression.
I’m  doing what I can .

Still got a life. Game ain’t over yet.

Is it wrong to miss someone?
Is it bad that I miss having fun?
These days I can’t do that.
Stay at home nowadays is a fact.
We are supposed to be spread out.
Yet here we out here without any doubt.
Doubt for me though is a decision.
Skeptical and buried in depression.

Taking care of myself seems so hard.
I had it my hands and now it seems so far.
I feel like I have nothing lose.
Well that’s not exactly true.
Family and friends who still come through.
I have to be grateful for some good news.

Yes I still have my life and my health as well.
Although when I sleep I go through hell.
It’s scary man..😬
Telling myself “do what you can”.
Go at your own place.
Stop doubting yourself and have faith.
Get that sad look off of your face.
You only I got the one .
As long as I have this life, I’m not done.

I’m not okay😐😐😐

No no no, I’m not okay.

I won’t lie to you this day.
When y’all ask me that what I can I say?
Allow me to speak the truth if I may?
For two months it has been not easy.
For starters I’ve picked up a new habit, drinking.
Becoming the drunken master was for fun at first.
Having 3 cans  yeah it just got worse.
I do that so I can fall asleep.
I don’t have any peace.
How can you have peace if you don’t have faith ?
How can I hope to find any in this toxic ass place?
The cause to the effect.
How my actions affect what may happen next.
So to answer the question that you have for me.
I’m not okay and I’m not sure when I will be.
Savvvy.

Just up at the moment

It’s 11:30 and I’m still up.

Can’t sleep and I have been crying. What the fuck.

Guess another sleepless night just my luck.

Got me some orange pineapple juice .where is my cup?

Just grabbed my iPhone and scan through my playlist.

This list of songs seems endless.

Here we go, I think I will play this.

Breaking the habit, one of LP greatest hits.

Rocking back to the early days.

Back to UHS sometime in may.

I found this song and it’s okay.

Better than okay is what I meant to say.

My playlist has a lot of memories.

Some of them helped me with insecurities.

Some of them I sang with others in unity.

Man back then, It really felt like I was living.

I wonder if I will ever feel like that again.

I know that people say that I am a good man.

I listen to them and I do understand.

Is that what we do each day ? Doing what we can.

6thpoem by Drunken master

Here I am
Writing after drinking the 3rd can.
Looking to my left on my bed.
Wishing that someone was there instead.
Not just to pass the time.
Not to make me feel fine
Just someone special so I don’t cry at night.
Someone to hold close.
Valuing them the most.
I made the mistake of not doing that enough apparently.
Shit gets bad, people leave so suddenly.
So many flashes and images surround me.
Sometimes  I can see me smiling.
Other times I can see me dying .
I don’t want the latter to come true.
So why is a pillow next to me instead of you.
Why is there a player 1 and no player 2.
Without any guidance , what am I suppose to do?
Please come soon.
Lord let it happen quickly.
Covid is a thing and yet I feel so sickly.
 I try to sleep and then I wake up just the same.
Need to be a part of that positive mind frame.
These days it’s straight up insane.
I’m not even trying to play games .
The tired drunken master with another one.
Sometimes when I write these, I wish they were more fun.

I’m Spiraling....due to depression.

You know what I want more than anything in this world?
More than gold, silver, diamonds or pearls.
Is a reset of various situations.
A place where I can go on vacation.
A new fucking hobby.
Can’t always wander aimlessly in the lobby.
So I have to go out there and get it.
carefully while on this road avoiding the shit.
Maybe someday a family with some kids.
I don’t know why at night it hits so damn hard.
The goal seems  so damn far.
It’s like my future drives away in car.
Even in the room , it all falls apart.
Why is what I want so wrong ?
Why does my poetry sound like a sad song.
Nightmares plague me until the dawn.
Head is spinning, ended up falling on the lawn.
Am I okay ?
“No not really”. That’s what I’ll say.
Can you lend me hand ?
Can you help me to stand.
Is there one of you out there who reaches back?
Week after week seeing posts about my anxiety attacks?
Is there not one among you ?
If that’s the case I understand.
It’s not cool.
It’s really not at all.
Need that support , but I guess I just take this fall.

Peace✌🏾

Da Ghost is Back

Before we start this off, I have to say a few things.
It’s time to be adults, no other people or even side flings .
Yeah we may not be official but I cut those other females off quick.
Trying to make this thing  here real legit.
Honestly I can’t deal with finding out shit.
the scene becomes  even more dramatic.
When people speak about you nothing they say is nice.
Yeah you got a heart but your veins contain ice.
Just because smell the pizza don’t mean you getting a slice.
If you only here because of what you want, exit stage right.
Been through too much to open my heart to anyone.
Grabbing my pen instead of the gun.
Yeah I would like relax and have some fun.
Right now though , I’m discovering that I am someone.
I am  a human being.
Right here yet to be seen.
Occasionally stuck in the in between.
Calming down more instead of a causing scene.
Nah man , I can’t go back down that road.
Back to that corner where I would overload.
Overthinking more than most.
That shit ain’t no good for this ghost.
I say ghost  not because I want to disappear.
I say ghost to get past my fears.
Not letting the past drag on for years.
What happen then isn’t even worth my now tears.
I hope y’all see that and now you know I ain’t no joke.
I’m only here to rhyme, not a big fan of the smoke.
Unless you talking MK ,that shit right there is dope.
Am I the best at what I do? Nah nope.
I still gotta a long way to go.

Processing the Reality...

You ain’t even around like that.
Come at me huh better come with facts.
Support system. eyes open 👀Where you at ?
Done with the chasing,  leave that to the cat chasing the rats.

Being real with you though
In my room on my bed laying on the pillows.
Thinking how ain’t no one really here and it’s all in my head.
Internalizing the internal conflict and seeing its not good being dead.
Yet these feelings I have say otherwise.
Sry if I’m not like these other guys.

Sry I don’t have whip to pick you up in
Too bad when I scoop you up , it don’t feel like a win.
Trying to be mature, ended up acting like kids.
Saw you on xvideos with a couple of vids.

Oh Shit.....
Where was I going with this ?
Damn I’m never this crude.
these words , what do you mean I’m
being rude.
Writing all this down,  I became a brand new dude.

Sensitive and caring yeah but not a fuckboy.
Done with all things and the flings. I’m out here looking for the joy.
No not a girl named joy, but life and all it gives me.
Give this Nigga right here some meaning.

You know it, I can’t give up right now.
Gotta get through this somehow.
Yeah I crashed ,burned and had doubts.
 It’s time for those thoughts to get the fuck out .
Gotta say that again really loud.
Those feelings gotta get the fuck out!!

Peace✌🏾

Shit Got Real....Quick

This poem is about to get real dark
Can’t you tell by all the marks.
Marks left by the knife on my hand.
Trying to keep hope alive, I don’t think I can.
All I see is the scars left behind.
On the skin surface and even in the mind.
There are no good times. It won’t be okay .
This is how it really is day after day.
Y’all tell me to get over it. Boy , you really care.
Let me tell you the same thing when yo ass falls down the stairs.
You suppose to be there for me and yet you ain’t at all.
It’s only me that’s going to fall.
You don’t got have to worry about a thing.
Shit, I’m  not trying to fuck up your vibe or anything.
Just need me a girl and meaningful relationship instead I fuck up and they leave man.
They always fucking leave man.
Don’t you get it ? There is no happiness.
Just overwhelming sadness.
Have patience?!
My brain at the moment, I just wanna erase this.
Heart is hardened, yet it still shattered.
What love man, like it really mattered.
You can say what you want about this post.
Mostly likely be ignored and left alone at most.
Think is for some kind of attention
What the hell you on with that grave miscalculation.
Unless you know what it is don’t even talk.
Why you still talking shit for, take a damn walk.
yeah the lines I’m writing are unstable .
A smile. Hahaha . nah I’m unable.
not going to fake it for someone to like me.
I don’t aim to please.
Not here for you to tease.
I may be sad and mad but hey I’m free....
Peace✌🏾

What is this and Does it make sense

Why can’t I talk to you ?

Is talking to me not cool?

Why can’t you talk to me ?

Do you know what the conversation will bring?

Maybe my name will be said or maybe yours.

I truly hope you don’t just walk out that door.

I need to understand what this is?

In my heart it’s my fondest wish.

What is this and is it making sense?

Sorry, I don’t mean to make this tense.

No pressure but I would like to know.

I can be patient, I am in no hurry to go.

 If you are though, may at least can I know why?

Was i not the right guy?

 Did I tell you a lie?

Or was it....

Someone or something else was on your mind.

If that’s true , then I have some understanding at least.

Thank you for the conversation.  I’m

Glad that we had this meet.

Last time I Visit the garden....

Today my mind wanders to that place.
Heading there with gloves and a mask on my face.
Will I breakdown once again like the time before?
No , I cannot . I have to endure it once more.
Why do I have to go there? It’s to let everything go .
Do I have to go there?  Not really , no.
If I want to stay where I am in the past
Not moving forward and having anxiety attacks .
Then I will just stay right where I am .
Now you do you understand.
I need to release this negativity badly.
It won’t be easy , Sadly.
Sure I will cry.
Scream to the heavens and say WHY?!
I got to get this done.
While the sky is clear and I can see the sun.
Afterwards I will never go there again.
For me though  , it will only be a memory of then.

Send me to Dreamland

Why can’t I have a nice dream.
Out there in a field where the grass is all green.
No conflict or anything in between.
You know what I mean....
Right
Clearly not trying to stay up all night.
Having a nightmares and waking up
With  a fright.
As I take it one day at time.
Staying Safe and Alive.
I wanna dream again.
I want to be in my arcade surrounded by friends.
I want someone special who understands.
I want to be my own man.
Let that happen please Lord.
I don’t want to be alone anymore.
It’s such a nightmare in quarantine.
Please allow me a nice dream at least.
Let me sleep quietly and be at peace.
Allow me to wake up to a brand new day.
Until then , it’s all I have to say

Drunken master writes 4 or is it 5....?

Drunken Master back with another one.
I’m no DJ Khaled, I’m trying to get this done.
What I write down.
Taking time to read how it sounds.
I get mad and throw it all way.
I keep telling myself it’s not what I want to say.
What do I want  is for you to the read of this poem.
 Inside their home.
Trying to understand where I am going with this.
Forget it , I forgot. I can’t take no more of this shit.
This selective way of thinking.
Choosing when to stop blinking.
So I don’t miss a thing.
It doesn’t really feel like spring.
Spring feel very all over the place.
Cold air then warm following by rain to the face .
On this 3rd can.
Try to understand.
I had a meltdown and I feel low at this particular time.
If you have the time to read these lines that rhyme,
Then please check up me on me.
Please....😓
No I’m not weak.
Oh because I drink.
People do weed for the same reason.
Same time different season.
You can’t Judge me for what I do .
Nope that’s why we have mirrors for. Look at you.
Look at your own flaws and shit before you come at me.
Please...😭
 I look at the photos of those who came before.
Before they walked out the door.
There were smiles then.
Now we are the end.
Of this poem I mean.
I Can’t sleep . I can’t even dream.
God I ask you, help out the drunken master....
Please....😓😭😓💀

There would be no Jynex sol without y’all.

Most people when they are writing about their exes ,it’s usually bad.
Well this poem isn’t going to be sad.
For once my mind isn’t in a bad place.
Have to write this all down because I won’t  be able to see your face.
Why would I write about poem about exes ?
Am I insane?
Nope and just for insurances I’m not going to name names.
Starting with the early bird back in 08
That spring semester was really great.
Moved downsouth and came back and found Kuroihime.
Bold ,strong, and always had something nice to say.
In 09, I ran into a Ta-kitty several times.
Fun-size
An avid gamer of RPGs and big fan of Nas
3 years of good and bad, then no mas.
Yes it hurt
Then came those births.
Cant really get mad about that.
Afterwards came the black butler.
Really had this need to serve, we looked out for each other.
Till La madre said hit the road,  I wasn’t  really good enough.
I think it was cause of the color of my skin , racism is rough.
Coming back from Coney Island , ran into bubbles .my photography buddy.
Yes I really did say that . So sue me.
I learned a lot about technology and trends.
Even came back to Ncc and made some new friends.
Until the end came sooner than expected.
Didn’t want that to happen, boy I was affected.
Then a shade of Emerald caught me by surprise.
It’s came at me like a warm breeze followed by fireflies.
Bunz Bunny was the last one .
A lot of those memories were fun.
Some of them weren’t and now it’s done.

Here it comes....
The point of me writing about these people is because each one made me feel loved and even though I’m not with any of them now doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.
It means they moved on and now I’m must do the same. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you  all for each taking the time to be with me.  No one this not an attempt to get back with anyone . I woke up with the thought to write this and I felt as if I needed to express myself .

If anyone reads this

Here I go again writing down how I feel.
For my readers out there, do you believe that’s it real.
How I’m always sad and that I can never be happy.
Since most of my poems recently talk about me feeling crappy.
Well it’s not intentionally, just know that.
Unless you know the facts,
Don’t say a word please.
The direction I’m going , I don’t know if it’s up or down.
May in the future I will finally come around.
To that calming place.
Where i do have faith.
Oh I long for that place to be an actual thing.
Positivity is the only thing I can bring.
A smile at least wouldn’t hurt.
If I could take my eyes if the dirt.
I wonder if something happen to me , would it be then that someone care or would they just blame the fact I didn’t do enough. Or that they weren’t enough.  I don’t know since no one really even responds back to me. Friends huh...😔

Thoughts while drinking white claw

White claw, that’s what I’m drinking right now.
When did I start? Heh I couldn’t even tell you how.
I’m drinking to feel mellow as a marshmallow.
Is it working ? Nope, I’m  still a sad fellow.
Quarantine. So simple and clean.
I don’t really leave my room, it has everything I need.
Or so I thought.
Shit there’s a lot of I bought.
Hand sanitizer, food, and more.
Trying to stay away from the store.
I don’t  really need to spend at the moment.
Laying down and reading YouTube comments.
People’s opinions are all over the place.
Why can’t people have a smile on their face.
Why can’t I ?
I’m sad and I am alive. I don’t want to die.
Society has this way of making me feel like I’m always in the way.
So much for having a good day .
Always here thinking the same thing.
What will the next day bring ?
Until then , this is the drunken master with another one.
While people getting their lives together , I just want to run.

What it sounds like for real....

If only I could communicate.
If only I could relate.
It wouldn’t be so awkward for me.
I could get things done easily.
The way it is right now I only should be worrying for is myself.
I am looking out for my health.
I’m eating and I have clothes on my back.
I have games to play and at the same time anxiety attacks.
Anxiety from what you say ?
These negative thoughts that persist day after day.
Like my body , I need a strong support system.
It’s is necessary that I take my vitamins.
What am I missing ?
Oh I know the answer to that one.
Too bad it is all gone .
I’m not even sure there is a way to get it all back in the end.
Quarantine definetly lets you know who’s your friend.
I have to be my own best friend
I have to be there when I wake up from nightmares
I have to tell myself at times life can be unfair.
Have to keep my balance so I don’t fall down the stairs.
The thing is I’m asking myself beside me , does anyone even care .
I understand y’all have things on your mind.
Can only respond when you have time.
If you remember to that is, if you don’t that fine .
Just don’t wait too long or else it will be too late.
Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, even these days.
For those of y’all who read what I write down.
You know how this sounds.
Yes at times life can turn around.
I just got see that.
I have  to believe that.
Can’t just say it....
I have to mean that .

C-virus Poem

Hey it’s me , I really don’t mean to complain.
Yeah I know to me people what I go through is insane.
But it’s worse for those families who have members dying all the same.
I’m not going to say it’s all about me.
The picture is bigger. It’s all about destiny.
What am I going to do with mine?
Only a matter of time.
I won’t say I’m fine.
I would rather say that i am ok.
Just hear what I have to say .
I want to get through this day.
Getting through with pressure in my chest.
Sure I do eat but I hardly get any rest.
During the day or at night.
Within me is an internal fight.
Yes I would like to talk about something nice.
However, it is not the reality that we live in.
We just need this virus to die down that way everyone wins.
C-virus equal quarantine.
Social Distancing
Overspending.
Constant Drinking.
It’s a lot to handle and even more to process calmly.
I have to though.
I just have to...

Talking out of turn.

The more I read the more I learn.
When I write this , it may feel like I am talking out of turn.
When everything is internalize it’s hard to figure a person out.
They can smile in your face but there is clearly is doubt.
If you are angry or sad or even happy then share it with me.
That’s all I asked because I have opened myself to you without hesitation.
You were the scary one and i loved you still.
Just getting through that was due to a strong will.
All this quarantine creates is frustration.
I have been mad with myself a lot of the time.
Hence, the lines and the rhymes.
A temporary measure to ease the pain.
These days it’s either in pain or being insane.
I choose neither of the two.
After all when I write, I’m still thinking of you.
How much of me you see and it’s clearly nothing but negativity.
Anxiety.....
There is plenty of it but I have to deal with mine alone.
As it is now, that’s the way it’s got to be.

No it’s not because you’re gone that started to feel this way.

Loving you and all that that’s been there even today.

That’s really it because what else can I say.

I’m sorry that it didn’t work out and I could be what you needed me to be.

I couldn’t even make you happy.

To be honest, happiness is something I never really understood.

Not because of you. Not because of anything really. Just never could.

Drunken Master with another one.

Lean with me but how
A shoulder would mean so much right now.
Drinking till I feel the buzz.
Drinking in the afternoon that’s nuts.
Why am I thinking about this girl?
I swear in my mind she’s my whole world.
I cry about her.
She moved on to another.
I don’t know how to go forward with myself.
Today I know I how I felt.
Low with hope for the future.
Will it ever go back to normal ? That be super.
The drunken master is here writing another poem.
Can I have happiness that’s not on a loan.
I just want to not feel this pain anymore .
Seems like I have to deal with this and more.
Just a struggle to go to the store.
Trying to explain myself but then I second guess.
Shit what the hell I do that for.
I drank because I was sad , don’t judge me.
I know it’s not the answer but right now i feel like a nobody.
Yeah a girl left me and moved on but I really cared.
Once again I’m saying why this isn’t fair?
But there is so much going on is there.
Quarantine is a thing
Everyday is something.
I hope this gets resolved quickly.
Please god please.
It feels like prison right now but I know with you I can feel free.

Accepting it for what it is.

When something is out of your control, it is what it is.
Whether it be family , friends, jobs or relationships.
What do I seek out of all this ?
Peace is my only wish .
In order for that to happen, I have to be accepting.
Accept the good as well as the tragedies.
Accept when I’ve done all I can.
Accept when it is time to understand.
Love every part of me.
Love the outcome of what can be.
It’s a warm feeling to feel this way.
That was then and today is a new day
After all the pain...
It’s good to find something that keeps you consistent.
After all ,depression is persistent.
So here I am saying as well to you out there.
Life isn’t fair.
We start from a place and end up somewhere.
Remember that you are important and that you belong here.
Bask in light and don’t give into fear.

???? leaves me...

Do I make everyone leave me ?
I feel like I do and it’s not intentionally.
Hold on to my feelings , no I can’t  anymore.
Those feelings have flown out the door.
Hurts so much, crying is so hard to do.
Same day different thing, nothing new.
 I may sound negative but it’s what coursing through me.
Pain, guilt, Tragedy.
Don’t ever say it doesn’t matter to me.
Of course it does that is why I am hurting.
It always hurts when you keep it in.
Like a grenade with a pin.
Pull it out and throw up.
Boom and there it goes. Shucks...
How else am I suppose to get through it?
Oh yeah I’m stuck in quarantine.... Shit
Boatload of cards and games.
The collection I have is insane.
It doesn’t compare to the pain.
Makes all that stuff seem useless in the end.
Depression is always there and he’s no friend.
Not shutting out my friends, please understand that.
Not much you can do when I have anxiety attacks.
Going through hell of course.
Have to collect myself and my thoughts.
What else can I do....

Just want this to stop....😔

Does it ever stop.

Wanna tell my heart, can you not ?
Trying to breathe, in and out.
Hard to do that when your mind is full of doubt.
There is no sound coming from my mouth.
Words seemed to be empty.
My sad feelings are all free.
Free to keep  me up instead of sleeping.
X or Juice wrld.
Listening to both thinking about the same girl.
It sad they are both gone .
They made some relatable songs.
Lucid Dreams overall is just straight Sad.
I cannot even be mad .
As much as I would like to be.
Disappearing....
For a ghost like me, it would be easy.
Ghostxero
Sry I’m not hero.
Just a villain who took to long to reveal his masterplan.
Wait, isn’t the card banned?
This ain’t yugioh, it’s in the real.
Trying to stay alive long enough to get to the next meal .

It’s what I wanted to say but I couldn’t

Why do I care so much about you?
Why do I care about what you do?
I didn’t see that I needed to pay attention.
How I blew up on you and saw your reaction.
How I saw that I wanted it all to end.
It would have definitely affect my family and friends.
Yes ,I did say I did not want to be in a relationship.
My feeling had stayed the same and now it’s all just bullshit.
Time doesn’t wait for anyone and especially me.
Another Tragedy
Can’t really take too many of these.
C-Virus already causes me much of my anxiety.
Dying on the inside, chest pain Is really sharp.
Behind that chest is a broken heart .
But that’s because I never did express,
What came next.
I don’t feel like jynex
Instead I feel like Steven.
No this is not a plan to get even.
I can’t do that to you or myself.
For me at the moment there is nothing left.
I don’t have a back up plan .
Right now myself I don’t even understand.
I’m not sure if I ever will.
Still....


I figure I should write  this down because I don’t think I will able to say this again.
It hurts too much to sleep. It hurts too much for me to be happy for you .
It’s hurt that I am affected whole heartily by this and there is nothing I can do but cry and accept it and try not to do anything dumb.  I can’t talk to you there because if I were him , that would be straight up disrespectful and I’m not trying to do that . It may not mean anything but I still do have feelings even though things have change but now I don’t think I can ever love anyone like I did before.

Another sad ass poem

As I write these sad ass poems about myself struggling with love.
Can’t always look down when I can look above.
Why do people only see that sadness in me.
Telling me to be happy.
Well I can be happy just wish you could see it.
I’m not always knee deep in shit.
I’m not always broken all the time.
After all  I’m still able to write a rhyme.
It’s all I have left , don’t really have much else.
Wondering if anyone can relate to how I felt.
How it felt to lose everything.
Crap 🤬
Well not everything. Just what brought me back.
To a better time and a better place .
To see that someones’ special face.
But it’s too late.
Now I am alone with this cheesecake.
Man bump this slump
Out there running like Forrest Gump.
Seriously though, I just want that same feeling again.
To show myself to my family and friends.
Not to hide behind a mask and smile.
Unfortunately, for me this is going to take a while....

Rolling out of control

Can’t eat or sleep.
Can’t lie down or even dream.
That’s been me for the past few days
Figured it was best to write what I want to say.
Okay
Here’s goes nothing.
Can I feel anything?
Of course but mostly regret.
This shit , who knew it came next.
I mean one person knew and the other was unaware.
Is that fair ?
Of course not. Look at life.
I thought I could handle the strife.
Alas, no I couldn’t even fucking try.
Mentally it feels like I’ve already died
Back then and even now, why do I always mess up?
Fuckity Fuck
can you understand ?
What am I going through ?
All I do at night is Remember you
Now all that’s left is this broken dude.
Will I get better? We will see.
Can  I remain hopeful? Hopefully ...😔

Don’t know what I’m going to do.😔

Boy this week was hell but ,I was not expecting this.
 Damn Coronavirus
People who are just being silent.
Someone who moved on.
I do, correction I don’t know how to handle that at all.
Everyone has answer for when you fall.
Get it over it , it happened there nothing you can do .
Yes that true.
Even so that’s not even cool.
Not an ounce of a fuckin care there bruh
I’m just supposed to know how it works gov?
Spiraling downward
No motivation to move forward.
As I am left behind
With old memories from better times.
I think I will just stay here.
Until I see myself clearly.
In a better light.
Don’t judge me , this how I handle it.
Better than doing something stupid
Like really stupid , a decision that I will regret.
Don’t know what will come next.
Hope for the best
I guess.....

Not listening to the same song

I am always so worried how Im going to  be seen.
Feel like I have to explain to them what I mean.
Didn’t hear me the first time or the second or the third.
Only when it matters to you, that’s when I am heard.
Not how that works buddy, someone told you wrong.
Just because I have headphones, I ain’t listening to the same song.
The more I say how I feel , more that people just move on.
At that case , I just let them go.
Where will they end up ? I don’t know.
I just know what I know.
Can’t really speak for the next person.
Not my job really to do the work for them.
They got there moment and I got mine.
Only matter of time.
Till then I  still got more rhymes.
After all, I have to express what’s in my mind.

Talking to humans is so....🤬

I really wish I knew how to talk to humans.
To them over a text or message, I’m always fuming.
That’s really not the case.
Taken entirely out of place.
If you ask me what’s wrong, I will tell you .
If I answer and you feel I’m attacking, nope Sadly not even true.
I’m going through my issues and I keep it in.
Because of past experiences, I don’t know how to begin.
You feel. I feel . We both see it differently.
Having miscommunication overall is very common for me
It is there very consistently.
I want to say just listen before you come to your own conclusions.
You could be wrong in just believing in that
Illusion.
I’m not even mad or trying to get there.
To jump down each other’s throat, how is that fair?
It’s like we don’t even care.
As we begin to come around.
Take the time to listen to the sound .
Of me
Apologizing.
I do try to communicate as best as I can.
If you don’t get where I am coming from , raise your hand ,
Let me know
Let us just speak so you can understand .
As a man
I am bound to make mistakes. I’m
Not fake. No give or take. Just look at my
Face.

Look at it this way

I have this habit of reading into things.
Seeing every strand and everything in between.
Kinda crazy you would think or so it seems.
Well that is what happens when you overthink.
Not even giving yourself the chance to blink.
So much is going on inside your head.
Too much thoughts, kinda wish I didn’t have any instead.
I mean the bad thoughts that bring me down.
Thinking of good thoughts can turn my day around.
Getting back to the point of all this.
Yeah I do read into things but if I didn’t do it.
I wouldn’t be who I am today.
It’s not always good Taking people at what they say.
Giving me false hope , come on man don’t play.
Save that for someone else,I’m nobody’s prey.
Okay.
If I decide to read in between the lines
Then people would have time
To understand why I read into the lies.
I need people who can be real with me.
Always woke, I have to be.
To see what I see, you would have to put yourself in my shoes.
Not many can handle it, it is more than you can chew.

Blast dat Noise

Yo man, Fuck today.
That’s what I say .
All work and no Play.
Man do I need to pray.
For me to be okay .
At least I’m grateful to be here.
Here for all these years.
Trying to stay visible so I don’t disappear.
When will that opportunity come near.
As I spit these rhymes , hold my beer.
Look at this guy.
Wayy to high.
Rhymes are too fly.
Hence my view is the sky.
Trying to stay alive so that I don’t die.
Yeah I’m different from all others.
Respects to my sisters and brothers.
Looking out for one another.
Not giving handouts motherfucker.
Am I really trying to rap?
Well I do spit facts.
No money equal no tracks
Damn these random anxiety attacks.
Telling stories through these rhymes,
still on earth though, so I have time.
As I write, I feel fine.
Talking back to you in German ,Nein!
So let me wrap this up.
Got me some orchard I need a cup.
Have to keep to cool so I don’t erupt
Where she at? I’m trying to F....jk
😂😂😂😂
Nah that’s not happening with my luck.
Another 1 by Jynex
Think this one is Da best
 It’s a lot,What to do next?
Brain overloaded let me rest

Drunken Master writes a poem lol

Man oh man I seem to be tipsy
I wonder who would miss me.
If I were gone far far away from home
Does anyone know.
How I am honestly
I don’t think I’m that much of creep.
I actually care.
Yeah maybe at time I do stare
But it’s because I’m amaze at what I see
Maybe me and you can be on our own team.
I would like it a lot , wouldn’t you.
It be very cool.
Out of this world
A weird guy and a fantastic girl.
Shit what I am. Saying this  drink is getting to my head
It’s good thing I’m in bed
But I rather write before I forget
Always writing but what to write next
Maybe I end up writing about S....
You know what best
If i take this moment now to rest.
Let me not be that guy .
After I wake up , I might say. Why??
Why did I post this
Last night why did I drink that shit..,
Oh well even when I drink I can write
On that note . Have a good nite

Part 2 -Kono Yarou 😐

Hey you....😐
I guess this would be part 2.
I hope going away doesn’t make me the fool.
Breaking down is always hard.
I always seem to wander off pretty far.
Just so that I can escape.
Escape the reality of this particular landscape.
Where I put myself down.
Where I feel like no one is around.
Always feel like I don’t do enough.
I really need some charm cause I have crap luck .
I don’t mean to push anyone away.
Let me just say....
Does the bird stay quiet or will it sing ?
Me going ghost isn’t a permanent thing.
Right now, I just don’t know what to do.
Rather not take out my frustration on you.
You ,I speak of are my family and friends
Understand
This isn’t the end.
I will continue to keep on with these rhymes.
These rhymes will lead me into better times
 Then everything will be fine.
After all ,in the end the sun always shines.

Going Ghost....for now.... please understand

It’s official , I reached the boiling point.
I should relax , probably roll up a joint.
Seriously though, for real it’s actually bad.
Trying so hard to be happy only to overwhelm myself and be sad.
I’m sorry now , I have to go ghost .
You know what hurts the most .
Talking about this.
Writing about it and still end up feeling like shit.
For those who think of me doing something dumb.
Don’t worry I’m not, that’s not at all fun.
I’m writing this poem as a note.
At the moment , I don’t  see any hope.
Don’t give on me please okay.
Even though its bad , please try to stay.
I have to go away for my own mental stability.
How I can’t I help anyone else if I can’t help me?
So please understand why i do this and what it means.

To obtain Strength

I need to find peace and for that I need strength.
As I write this down I will explain what I meant.
Strength, what it means to have it .
Confidence to face any challenge.
The challenge would be to stay consistent.
Unfortunately, depression is persistent.
So stupid.
Each day I do try to work it out.
Through the wire fence of doubt.
Through the negative voices that are loud.
To the eyes that look at me and never change.
Giving me the look of shame.
Whether it’s someone I know or not.
That look always make me like I just got shot.
That’s why I draw strength from writing.
Without it , life is so tiring
I would be lost at sea.
No direction on how to get back to the beach.
All that matters is that I keep trying.
Giving up is the just as the same as dying
Strength is the necessity to overcome the negativity in order to regain the positivity.
All these activities.
I can’t be stagnant , I have to keep busy.

How it feels when I try to explain myself

Brain is overheating
Way Too much thinking
So freaking mad right now, so much emotion.
Not as vast and wide as the ocean.
Still though, it’s pretty deep.
Why do I have this feeling?
Is there a overall meaning?
Sometimes I just don’t know who to talk to.
I feel like at times it is me and not you.
I reach out and hope to have a conversation.
Instead I get very little information.
One word answers and the fact that they saw it.
Yes I know, busy and all but come on. Shit
I love myself because I see what I can do.
I can be in the bottom of the pit and still pull through.
I see that. How come no one else does.
Only seeing me for what I was.
I had my fair sense of issues.
Listening to tunes while feeling the blues.
Yet that is some old news.
See the man for who he is now .
Seeing past the man who used to shout.
Right now...
I am trying my best.
To do what’s right for me and to know what to do next.