Every night Since that night

There is something about this poem
That I am currently writing.
Not sure why but I better right it all down.

I’m sad honestly because I do miss someone.
Someone who is apparently having more fun.
Someone who is a lot happier than they were when they were with me.
Someone who had other plans you see.

Five years. Good and Bad.
When they found me I was sad.
When they took me to the garden , I felt glad.
When they looked at my eyes and held me, I was no longer mad.
Happiness , I didn’t know is what I actually had.

Now I spend my most of my time in my room.
When I come to work, no smiles just gloom.
No one comes around me because they feel they are doomed.
For once they look at me, it’s nothing but bad news.

Now other people say , stop feeling sry for yourself.
Learn how to be by myself.
Of course that’s the case in my room with no one else.
Nothing but a yellow stuffed dog on my shelf.

You should be grateful to be alive.
Yes I am , I don’t want to die.
If i say I’m okay, sometimes I do lie.
It make my existence easier sometimes.

Coming out the blue to say you care.
Always random just like air.
Where you before when I needed you there?
You damn right i feel upset enough to say that, yes it is fair .

You can’t just tell me something so I can’t respond back.
You want me to be truthful. Ok here’s a fact.
I loved you despite all the setbacks
All the anxiety attacks.
All of those this and that’s.
I felt like I gave a crap.

Oh  yes I did fuck up but i didn’t really move on.
I held on.
Yeah I was probably wrong .
Doesn’t really matter now because you’re gone.
Moved on.

Am I upset about you moving on?
No because at the end of the day you do what you want.
I envy that so bad.
Makes me so mad.
That’s why I’m writing.
Not really in the mood for fighting.

Wanna pick a fight?
Not really with it but it’s alright.
My heart is being beating slow all night.
It’s broken like a bulb. Out like a light.

I had to write this down.
I’m trying to not drown.
Spiraling all around.
In the abyss lies the soul but can it be found?

I don’t know.
I planted this seed so now it has to grow.
What will happen next I don’t know.
So many directions ,which way do I go.

To that someone who reads this and wants to know why I wrote this.
Because in the end , know I was really about it.
Even if I say and did very reckless and dumb shit.
I never stopped caring even if I took a lot of trauma hits.
I just had to write how I feel and I hope you  understand
After all , despite the nightmares , aches loneliness, and depression.
I’m  doing what I can .